I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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