An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
