Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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