her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
