Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
