I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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