I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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