I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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