saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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