Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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