Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
