Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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