Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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