My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
