Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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