I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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