im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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