That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
