I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
