oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
3pm strippers are depressing
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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