No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
