When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm passing your future prison.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
