hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
