Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Mom said you looked used
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
