I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
