im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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