He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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