My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
