Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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