Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
