so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
wow bdsm is so cute
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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