my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
