Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
