Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
even my farts smell like vagina
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
