You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
