I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
