What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize