Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
