I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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