Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
