I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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