Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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