Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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