We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
