that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
