You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
