I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
