the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
