I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
