Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
