3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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