i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
