Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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