I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We got so high we made milksteak
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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