I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
