dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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