So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
