I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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