Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
