I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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